Interlude: Zozobra

Archived from Oct 05, 2023:

I came across this word while I was reading Doppelganger.

‘A Spanish word for the existential and deep gloom, zozobra also evokes a generalized wobbliness: “a mode of being that incessantly oscillates between two possibilities, between two affects, without knowing which one of those to depend on” — absurdity and gravity, danger and safety, death and life. Uranga writes, “In this to and fro the soul suffers, it feels torn and wounded.”’

Klein uses this word as a theme to not only describe an emotional state, but as a mode for moving between the left and right, reality and the mirror, analyzing the differences and, more frequently than a lot of people would care to admit, the similarities.

Last week, I mentioned I would probably write about the online left, and while I have been, it exhausted me. It’s almost harder to write about and criticize the political side I align with than those I vehemently disagree with. It oscillates between feeling necessary and counterproductive. It feels foolish and important. How do you write critically about the internal division of the left without contributing to it? I feel great conviction and overwhelming defeat. The piece exists, and I don’t know what to do with it.

Since getting laid off, I have had several people ask if something good happened, pointing out that I seem more like myself than I have in a long time. I laugh and tell them I was laid off, and they are pulled between laughing with me and apologizing. I did hate that job, and the sheer energy I have some days is something I didn’t know I was missing so badly this past year. These good, energetic and creative days are precarious at best, being balanced by crushing anxiety that is triggered by damn near anything. I walk through my house, talking to myself, sometimes making it better, sometimes making it markedly worse. I am trying to strike a balance, but when so much feels out of my control, I find myself oscillating. I feel as though I need everything, all at once. I need to exert the energy that I am too exhausted to think about having, I need to laugh and cry all at once, I need to be gentle with myself and stop being so comfortable. I am stuck and adrift and time is relentless.

Thank you, as ever, for being here friends. I apologise for not publishing the thing I said I would, things have been…tumultuous in my little corner of Toronto lately, but we’ll get through it. I trust all has been well with you? What fall plans are we all looking forward to?