A few notes on noise
Archived from Mar 16, 2023:
When I think of a cacophony, I think of a physical state of being. I think of my skin crawling, my ears ringing, hands shaking, hair touching all the wrong places. In short, I think of being overwhelmed. I’m not great at being in crowds, I almost always have a book, headphones or both to help me deal with whatever needs dealing with. This relative difficulty of dealing with noise becomes even more of an issue when the proverbial call is coming from inside the house.
My own brain is a very loud place to be. Thoughts are like a disjointed, incomprehensible Greek chorus that is very keen on interrupting the current scene. It was recently suggested to me that my habit of perpetually having music or a podcast whenever I might be in a moment of silence probably isn’t helping me actually get the noise under control, so much as drowning it out. I’m sure you’re clever enough to know that I’m just treating the symptom, not any of the causes.
In an attempt to quell the constant stream of thoughts, I started journaling everyday. I enjoy it, but it also falls short of actually quieting my mind. I think this may stem from the fact that I’m only speaking to myself when I journal, which is productive for working through emotions, and being frank with myself, but not so much for creating coherence and organization. All this to say, this a personal yet external facing project. I have spent the majority of my adult life writing extensively in academic settings, always with structure, research and audience at top of mind. This project is somewhere between rediscovering that love of writing and rigour, as well as find my own, somewhat less academic voice. As I reread what I have written here, I can’t help but feel like I have a long way to go on that front. I find it very hard to write in an organic way, something more akin to how I speak. Or, perhaps, I am simply insufferable when I talk and I just haven’t noticed yet. Answers on a postcard, please.
Overall, this is a poorly defined project. I am going to quietly tell myself that’s intentional, so that it can grow and change organically. I am also going to ignore the voice in my head telling me it doesn’t count if I don’t have a strict rubric and measurable goals. What I imagine this will be is an inscrutable combination of writing about books, food, war history, shower thoughts, podcasts and maybe, someday, somewhat more personal things. It is fluid by nature, because I am the kind of person who will spend the rest of my life creating a “perfect” plan, simply as means of avoiding ever getting started. And so here I am, starting something. Will it be good? Who’s to say, but it will exist, goddamnit.
So if you’re here, welcome. I don’t know what this will become, but I’m glad to be here, typing into the ether.
