10/15

Archived from Oct 16, 2024:

I am older today. I am aware of the weight - possibly more than ever. I’m not that old but I’m tired. I have a heart that sits in me like something that could never feel natural, heavy and suffocating. I want to hate it.

My feet freeze in a lake and I want to scream. I see the world, vast, bright and full of clouds. I feel it so immediately. It demands me and in return I grit my teeth - I let it devour me. I could be nothing and I would not notice. Wholly I am gone, if only momentarily, in a way I am sure is almost universal.

I feel myself freeze into everyone, everything, into a deep understanding of what makes life worth it. A beautiful lake, a moment of joy rising stubbornly through the stress and perpetual terror, a scream into the sky that beckons us all home. I am so sure so many people get it. I am simultaneously certain those with power couldn’t care less and the fury returns, burning my skin and blood.

Age has been nothing but a desperate, clawing fight for peace that my being will always deny me. I was not born to be peaceful until I’m certain everyone is. It is tiring to make myself smaller than I am but I am older. It is hopeless to make myself feel less and it has no intention of waning so I wonder what waste I have wrought trying to stifle my soul, my fury and rage.

I do not plan on wasting another 30 years, if I am graced with them.